There was a time as a young hoodlum, that a kid could steal some chump change from his Aunt Rosie's purse and go down to the local bar to kill some time while quaffing down a couple brown pops. Taking in a girlie show afterwards, was of course the highlight of the evening.
This one place I used to go to, was "Lou's Bar 'N' Grill" down by the Bowery. Or, a 21 minute walk from where I lived. It didn't matter how old you were as long as you had the money you got served. The place stunk of pee, farts, body odor, and stale beer all mixed together with the stink of cigarette smoke. Forget about using the can. Any fluid or solid, you could excrete from your body, didn't find it's way in the toilet or urinal. Add to that, there was nothing to wipe with.
This is what I was told so I didn't go in there.
Besides, the door was locked. Pissing was done outside in the alley, crapping was done in your pants. That was the code at Lou's.
While inside, the heavy smoke burnt your eyes and burned in your nostrils and lungs. Everything you touched there, either felt greasy or sticky. Lou was ex navy, heavy built with a brush cut and a beard of purple ache scars. I could only imagine them when he was younger, hanging like grapes. The service was curt and lousy but the booze cheap. When you're really thirsty...cheap is good!
On one particular night, as my mudder was entertaining an ole friend from outta town, I snuck out to Lou's. Armed with a knife and a hundred in small bills, I was gonna get a good glow on that night. Hell, I was gonna take a hit for the team.
It must have been after switching to Sloe Gin from beer that I puked up my mudders tuna and bean casserole all over my shirt. I panicked, the old lady was going to kill me, if I went home like this, she would know that I had been drinking.
As bad as Lou could be, he still had a soft spot for a kid who was in trouble with his ma.
"I'll fix things kid. Gimme 5 bucks" Said Lou as he snapped his fingers. I handed him the money and he put it in my shirt pocket. "Tell your old lady that the guy next to you at the bar, puked all over your shirt but he gave you 5 bucks to get it dry cleaned. Problem solved." He then smacked me on the head as I slurred out a thanks and ordered another round.
What Lou forgot to explain was, why a fifteen year old teenaged boy was at a bar late at night to get puked on.
I don't remember how I got home that night, all I remember is my ma screaming at me and shaking me back to reality. Apparently I had passed out on my back in the hallway of the apartment with my feet keeping the door open.
"Wake up you bum! You've been drinking haven't you! You've got puke all over your shirt." She screamed.
Then I remembered what Lou told me to say.
"No ma, you got it all wrong, some guy at a bar puked on me. If you check my shirt pocket, you'll find the 5 bucks he gave me for the dry cleaning."
She then checked my pocket, pulled out the money and said. "Hey? Why is there twenty dollars in your pocket?"
Then I realized the other accident I had that night and said.
"Oh yeah. He crapped in my pants too."
