By the Power of Thurston

Chapter 1
By the Power of Thurston Thistertinson.

"I woke up in a cold sweat on a ripped, sour smelling mattress.
It was night.
I remembered where I had been but not how I got here.
I struggled for a moment with the blanket and stood up.
I made my way to the front door as my heart began to race.
I heard snoring coming from some room in the dark house.
Quietly I opened the front door and ran outside straight to freedom.
The night was damp and the air heavy as I struggled with every step.
Finally I made it to where I wanted to go...and passed out in the bushes.
Soon the suns alpha waves would ripple over me.
Peak exposure of bi-particles sublimation would transform me.
The rest as they say, is physics."


The story you just read was by John X Phelps
A sci-fi writer.
You can contact him by either gently tapping on the side basement window of his immigrant landlords house or email him at his library address.

Protocols of engagement with Mr. John X Phelps.

1.) Never show up empty handed.
Bring either a bar of soap or an air freshener.

2.) Always maintain eye contract and never turn your back to him.

3.) Resist scratching yourself and sniffing the air in his presence.

4.) Do not use the bathroom.
4a.) If you must, make sure the light is off and bring your own toilet paper.

5.) Do not arrive hungry. Eat beforehand. Nothing greasy.

6.) When you leave, go straight home and shower.

7.) And lastly prayer...Lots of it.

8.) Heck! You should just turn yourself in, to the police as a co-conspirator to whatever nefarious deeds John X Phelps has planned that evening.

9.) Feel sorry for yourself and...

10.) Give up.


El Fonzo Magnifico

A man with one watch knows what time it is.

A man with two watches is never quite sure.

El Fonzo Magnifico

as unsuitable...Planet recorded as unsuitable. Post-Mortem is Negative...I repeat...Post-

El Fonzo Magnifico: I want to thank everyone for joining us this evening here at ground zero grotto. I'm your host El Fonzo Magnifico with my illustrious partner in crime, the very stinky K W.

K W: Thanks for the intro Magnifico, it made me feel funny in my pants.

El Fonzo Magnifico: Fantastic K W.
Tonight we want to share with you some emails we've been getting from a fellow named "Anonymous".

K W: He sure gets around don't he.

El Fonzo Magnifico: I'll say. Anyways, he writes:
"I'm Thirty Five and I live with my Mom...there I've said it...And since living with her all these years, I finally know why she's still single.
So I guess my question is...knowing this...does it make me an adult?"

Signed
Need to know by Friday and
Anonymous

Short and sweet. Now I don't want to sound old fashion but when I first read it, my rose bud puckered into a perfect "O". What's your take on this Filth?

K W: Well, I started crowning about half way through it, but I'm glad to hear your backside Kegel exercises are working out for you. Disgusting.

El Fonzo Magnifico:(fuming)...Right now I'm sweating, my face feels hot and flush...plus there's pressure building up by my donut or my sphinxter and I really want to give KW a pink eye. Unfortunately I'm a gentleman, so I'll decline.

K W: You know that reminds me of a story...A guy and this dirty chic..
~interrupting~
El Fonzo Magnifico: Getting back to the email letter or whatever the kids are calling it today. The point is don't take her so seriously. And yes you're still a child...only now it's awkward.

K W: Just to change the subject for a sec, along time ago when you and I got arrested in Texas, you had to empty your pockets and except for some chump change, your pockets were full with new tampoons. Whose were they? And why?
I'm still scratchin' ma nutz on that one. Disgusting.

El Fonzo Magnifico: Nice try ya old chump. But I don't carry unused poonies in my pockets. I carry them else where.
What comes out of my pockets is usually more embarrassing.

K W: Disgusting! (frappz!!)

El Fonzo Magnifico: Well that just about wraps up the show...Folks. Goodnight from me.

K W: And Goodnight too you...

(cut to music)

High Tone
Headline

The ear feels better than the pinky. By El Fonzo Magnifico

Every few months, my nephew sends me a fresh batch of new dirty jokes from prison. We'll call him Joe...Joe Welcome. Since this is a family blog, that's meant to be read after supper on a Sunday. I won't share with you any of these filthy, disgusting, misogynistic jokes with you.

Now Joe is doing hard time at the pen...24/7.
As his only Uncle, I feel shame.
But you know...it feels good.

Anyways... Joey dumped a bombshell on me in his last letter. No, it wasn't a really dirty joke. It was about Joe's feelings.
After the way he shamed his mother, I didn't know he had any and I'm his Uncle. Ha ha ha.
This is what he said and I quote. "When I'm gettin' outta here, I'm gettin' me a sex change." "expletive" "expletive" "expletive"...and I could go on for another four pages of this filth.
But it got me thinking...What if Joey is right?
After all the ear does feels better then the pinky.
.
El Fonzo Magnifico

It's bigger than yourself. It's Life. By El Fonzo the Magnifico

At a certain age one starts to resign oneself too the obvious. No more mucking about get on with it. So what if some issues become unresolved. Time too move on. But.
To the unprotected, unbearable.
To the insane, unbelievable.
To the poor, unforgivable.
To me, a day in a life.
Of the one and only.
El Fonzo Magnifico.

Rejected by Readers Digest's...Lifes like that.

This guy walks into a greasy spoon. Checks out the menu and orders a home-made burger. He grabs a glazed donut from the the display tray and sits down at the counter to eat it. The cook, a heavy, balding ex-marine with no shirt on and wearing only an apron, picks up some ground beef and starts forming it into a patty using his arm pit. The customer totally grossed out sez..."That's disgusting!"...Puzzled, the cook turns to the customer and sez..."You think that's disgusting? You should see how we make our glazed donuts!"