Winsome Johnny, Tony Katdanders Cousin

Some might say, that to stop laughing is to see the bars of your cage.
I say that, there's always something to laugh at.
Especially now.
In time we're in.
Which could be anytime that is right now.
Right now, something is being produced to make you laugh, while another person sees the cage.
Sometimes it's coming up fast.
Most times, it takes too long and it's not funny anymore.
But still, after thinking about it long enough...it's funny after all.
We at FEECE advocate "Fun".
Because life without "Fun", is stupider.

Winsome Johnny Returns.

Tony Katdander slowly put down his cell phone on the teak table that his aunt had given him.
It buzzed after a few seconds and moved in a vibrating motion over the teak table.
"This can't be happening!" Cried Tony.
A millions things raced in his head until he could calm his self down.
He made yeast and could smell it.
"Hallo!?" He answered.
"Tony? Is dat you? Asked Winsome Johnny on the other end.

Keeghan 'N' Cooghan in "The Dead Time Travelers Addendum Protocol"

It was hours after Keeghan had seen the time travelers lifeless body and yet he still had barf burps.

Cooghan on the other hand appeared irritated and kept scratching his scalp behind his ear.

Both men were still digesting the events of that evening and both men were still trying to figure out how everything played out for them. 

Bringing in the police was out of the question. 

Counting on a family member to risky and improbable.

Keeghan spoke first in the car.

"We have to hide the body because he's from the future."

Cooghan liked the idea mainly because he couldn't come up with anything himself.

"Sure if you say so ."

 Piling his body into Keeghan's car trunk, they resolved to drive him into the future.

Just because he was dead, didn't mean his body couldn't still move.

It seemed fitting since he was a time traveler.

So they drove him to their address in Chicago because it was better to deal with the body on their turf.

After about three hours of straight driving, Cooghan smelt something rotten.

Kooghan, who was driving the whole time, smiled as his friend noticed.

Those breakfast taco's where reacting with the sour pickles he ate in a gas station washroom. 

"That body in the trunk is starting to stink Cooghan. Can you smell it?"

Said Keeghan as he farted silently some more.

" It stinks of death!"

Said Cooghen irritated. 

Keeghan agreed but still drove on with the windows closed and farted some more.

He felt bad blaming his stink on the dead time traveler in his trunk.

But got over it when they drove by a dead body on the highway in the other lane.

"Did you see that Cooghan?"

Asked Keeghan.

Cooghan was snoring as he was asking so he took it as a no. 

Hours later and miles down the road the engine light went on. 

Keeghan pulled over to put some oil in the engine but then realized that the oil was in the trunk.

Suddenly the sun made it's way over the horizon and lit everything up.

Then everything became gross to Keeghan at that moment.

Coming Soon...Time Peepers

Jale waited until the last person had spoken, then cleared his throat, farted and got prepared to go on stage by checking himself everywhere with his hands.
He wore what he liked accept when it came to his dress shoes, they felt slightly odd, ergo uncomfortable.
Once the applause slowly died down, he walked onto the stage and up to the microphone.
Sweat poured from behind his ears as he struggled to say his first words.
Then it happened, he spoke.
"The future is already 67% old before it happens because of consistencey, another 32% is an echo of consistencey, meaning hit and miss and the 1% left is just out right random."
Jale waited for applause, instead there was a lot of throat clearing, feet shuffling  and farting from the audience.
Still, it was a good idea to express.

New FEECE Material © 2013

Queen for a Day Happy Birthday mum

The best of FEECE is below.

Keagan. N. Coogan in Time Travelling to Death

Keagan stood fully clothed over Tracys lifeless nude body and thought out loud...
"How could things go so out of whack...why yes of course!...Because I'm a time traveller."
Keagan only figured out how to time travel by going forward.
He couldn't go back in time or to his original present.
Apparently time travel is much more complicated and that the rules don't apply in reverse as they do forwards.
If you believe him, then he's over 4,000 years old.
He was excavating a site with some friends when he was twenty, that was believed to be over 10,000 years old.
Then he found a crypt with a time travelling machine powered by an ancient self powering motor.
This of course was left behind by another time traveller who eventually died, like they all do.
You can't escape death by time travelling.
So he started moving up in the dates a hundred years at a time for a couple of weeks, collecting stuff from every time period.
He gets to our present, his future and the best he can do to support himself is to be an antique dealer.
Mainly because he knows his stuff and he's a time traveller.
He's been there already.
The past that is.
The shop was called Keagan 'N' Coogan antique.
If you quoted someone from the past and he happened to be there when it was said, he corrected you.
Even the Bible.
That's the kind of time traveller he had become.
He hung out with old people just to fill in the gaps because he only stayed for a couple of weeks at any given time, then moved up a hundred years.
One day a beautiful woman entered his establishment and she wanted to see him again.
He was nearing the end of his second week there, so he went out with her...on a date.
By the end of several dates, the police would be scattered down below her apartment as he held her lifeless nude body and waited to jump.
Add to that he was going a hundred years forward into the future in seventeen minutes.

The next time he travelled saw him finally get killed and then became a ghost.
That's why only time travellers become ghosts.
Because they can't go back because if they do, then it's all a lie.
So they become ghosts.
Trapped in the future until their past catches up to them in the present, in ghost terms.
That's when they can leave.
It's true in history that ghosts haunt for a bit, then disappear.
Most time jumpers should be dead by now, this age we're in should kill them off.

Heddy's Troubles presents: The Jumentous Basement

Chapter 1
Trouble in the basement

Heddy shuffled across her worn stained carpet to her comfy chair.
Often she wondered, where those bumps under the carpet came from and what was underneath them.
One day she was going to cut one open and find out.
But tonight was TV night she thought as she squeezed her self between the frayed arm rests of her comfy chair.
And then farted.
Of course, nothing was on that she liked, just shows about young people that she couldn't understand.
Why couldn't they make a show about a sick old man she thought? She'd watch that.
Suddenly the phone rang and Heddy's heart pounded so much that the veins in her neck throbbed.
Conditioned to answer the the ring, she picked up the receiver and in a low voice answered "Hello!?"
Fart noises seemed to emanate from the ear piece as she dutifully listened until the last squeak.
The phone went suddenly dead as she yelled into the mouth piece. "...Hello!...Hello!..."
Frustrated, she then farted into her comfy chair and called her care giver to come over right away.
Sleepy but awake, Heddy's care giver knocked at her door at 12:43 AM wondering what all the fuss was. Heddy answered the door and kindly asked that the care giver take her shoes off as she entered.
"Do you smell something off?" Asked Heddy.
"I sure do and it's coming from the basement." Said the care giver.
Of course, Heddy wasn't going to go there...her basement.
"What foul and wretched creatures they may be" She said in her inside voice.
The care giver didn't hear anything while she was looking inside Heddy's fridge.
Later the television was on and Heddy stared at it in an uncaring way.
Meanwhile, her care giver was staring at the basement door.
To distract her, Heddy told of an old war time story that her late husband would tell to distract her.
Her husband Manfred once worked as a pilot for the German air force in 1943. For three months actually.
To save time, they flew over Romania on a route that no one ever flew over.
The Captain her husband Manfred noticed something unusual below after flying for a hour.
A circle of dead forest.
Everyone saw it in the plane and agreed to go back when they got two weeks leave.
They went back in late autumn '43 and managed to get there without any war time problems.
Everyone ignored the spot.
The Allies as well as the Axis.
Once they arrived, they were greeted by an offal smell as well as a litter of dead animals as they ventured in.
Everyone had a scarf in front of their nose and breathed through it.
The farther they went into this dead forest the more that was laid to waste, skeletons of dead animals were littered everywhere.
Soon fungi were no longer seen because it could no longer feed on dead trees..
At the center they found everything sterile and stink free but covered in white ash.
They also found a well, which they uncovered.
Manfred threw a rock down it and found it was empty except for a tiny splash at the end.
Next they threw down a flare and for one thousands of a second, they saw a huge opening down below at the side of the wall.
All agreed to go back and get provisions.
Climbing down the well went very easy.
Once through the cracked hole in the well, everything opened up into a deep cavern and the flash lights lit it up.
The deeper they went in, the narrower and blacker the walls became and the shorter the distance the flash lights lit.
Soon they had to use fares to see ahead of them as they went deeper and deeper in the cave.
After a few hours they knew they were lost.
With the few flares they had left, they started to panic.
What was absorbing all the light?
Then suddenly someone lit up a flare and it barely lit up two feet of space.
"Only my husband made it out that day." Said Heddy with an emotional voice.
"But...But...what happened down there?" Stammered the care giver.
By this time, Heddy was beginning to notice the television again and stopped talking.
"Heddy! What really happened?" Insisted the care giver.
"I don't know because I wasn't paying attention to the last part because I realized he was making it up."
"End of story!" Heddy exclaimed.
The care giver then went back to watching the basement door nervously.

Chapter 2
Heddy remembers.

At about three fifty three am in the mornin'.
Heddy awoke from her TV chair and looked over at her care giver, who was snoring like a man.
The television had an old movie on.
She then stared into space and remembered her dream about Andreas Von Ka Ka and his wife Lady Ka Ka.
Once awake, she dismissed it as disgusting and then thought about what people told her about her mother, who had meet a time traveller...

One day Heddy's mother went a block out of town and went into a antique store.
There she meet a man who was charming as well as good looking.
He talked about the past as if he knew it.
When she quoted the bible, he corrected her with extra words.
Every item in his store had a history that he remembered.
It was like he was actually there.
Heddy's mother continued to date this time traveller, until he decided to show her real proof that he was a time traveller by showing her his past.
So instead of a time traveller from the future, which we would expect, he was a time traveller from the past.
Someone like us that really wants to see the future but from the past/present perspective .
He showed her items from the past, things that technically don't exist because there's no record of them and they looked new.
A turning point item in the mind of the time traveller but not to history in general.
Yet there it was.
When she pointed out the fact that what he had was technically worthless, he grew agitated.
Heddy's mother of course panicked and he of course he couldn't let her leave because of what she knew.
Suddenly she believed him.
Because he was occupying both present/future he technically did not exist, so she killed him.
He died unlike any human being has ever died.
There was no body after his death because he turned into a ghost that stayed behind at the last spot that he lived but shouldn't have.
And that's where ghosts come from.
They're time travellers from the past...
...and the rest as they say is...trivia.

Chapter 3
Heddy sleeps agagain

Heddy went to sleep in the afternoon for a over an hour, like she did when she was much younger.
It was a cold wet day outside and Heddy decided to stay warm in her bed under the covers.
She only got up to make a tea and then went back to warm the bed again.


  


                                     

.

Heddy's Troubles.

Chapter 1 - New Beginnings.

It was late at night when something happened.
Suddenly the lights and the telly went out.
A fuse blew down in the basement.
Heddy farted as she quivered to the fact that she had to venture down to the basement to fix the fuse.
With a flash light in hand, Heddy climbed down the basement stairs heavily and with effort. The railing made sense to her in her advanced age, unlike in her youth.
Reaching the bottom stair she breathed a sigh of relief then farted as the flash light darted all over.
Beer bottles clinked together in the farthest corners of the darkest basement, this scared Heddy but she moved slowly with a flash light in her hand.
She knew people were living in her basement, people she didn't see or only saw when they were running from her house in the backyard in the day time.
It terrified her but she had to get something done in the basement so that life could go on as usual upstairs.
"I just need to flick a switch." She said out loud.
Noise of scampering happened at either side of her in the darkest parts of the basement as she walked towards the fuse box.
When she saw the fuse box dimly lit at first, then getting brighter and more in focus, she then farted again.
Heddy threw the switch and the lights and telly went on upstairs.
As she looked up at the slightly opened basement door, she noticed it was now lit from behind.
This relaxed her and so she farted again.
As she turned around to make her way to the stairs, a voice shouted out.
"Really!? You're just gonna fart and get the heck out of here!?" said one of the strangers living in the basement.
Heddy froze as she listened and let out a small pitchy fart.
Suddenly there was a lot of movement in the dark reaches of the dank basement and whispering voices.
Heddy then panicked and ran as best as she could, up the stairs closing the door behind her and locking it.
The sound of many feet running after her up the stairs, then a loud banging of the door followed.
Heedy then made it out to her living room and cried as she farted.
"Of all people why me!?" She thought out load.
So Heddy went to bed upstairs and farted.

Chapter 2 - The Ministers Wife.

Heddys thumb went numb just as she was starting to eat her beef barley soup with the church ministers wife.
The soup flew everywhere as she lost control of the spoon..
"Holy crap!" Said Heddy out load as she farted in excitement.
"My problems get the best of me." She said as an excuse and then relaxed and farted again.
The church ministers wife who had ordered the baked beans then smiled and slowly pushed the bowl away from herself.
Heddy excused herself from the table and made her way to the ladies room to powder her nose.
She did anything but and walked straight into a stall.
Back at the table, the ministers wife ordered desert.
An apple pie with a pecan crumble.
Heddy eventually returned, dishevelled and sweat through.
It was if all her pores had opened.
"Can we get the dessert to go?" She inquired, then farted once again.

Chapter 3 - How very uncomfortable for Heddy.

Back at home Heddy quietly entered her dwelling, making sure not to make a sound.
Disturbing the people in her basement was the last thing on her mind, so she made it to her second floor bedroom without drawing unwanted attention.
But she farted when she bent over to pick up a snot rag from the floor and then all hell broke loose down stairs.
The steel basement door that she had installed, suddenly sounded like it was being scratched with metal and that made her nervous fart...
Finally settling down to sleep as the sun came up and the noise in the basement stopped, Heddy said her prayers, then got out of bed to see if anyone was running away from her house.
Someone was and he only had his pants on.
No shirt, shoes or socks, just pants and long hair.
"Hippies in my basement?" Said Heddy with a bit of disappointment and then went back to bed.

The New Adventures of Detective Tony Katdander...In the Case of the Yeast Stockings and the Befouled Muffler.

~Tony Katdander~
esq.



It was on his day off that Tony found himself in a very tense situation.
The elevator he was riding in was also occupied by a good looking older woman who totally ignored him as they went up.
Suddenly the elevator stopped between floors.
The third and fourth to be exact.
At first there was this uncomfortable feet shuffling and polite laughter.
Then Tony suddenly thought quick and said...

"How heavy does a polar bear have to be to swim in icy cold water?"
"What?" she said.
"How heavy?...does a polar bear have to be to swim in icy cold water?"
"I don't know?" she answered.
He then suddenly swung towards her, grabbed her hand and said...
"Enough to break the ice. Hi! I'm Tony Katdander." then shook it.

She started screaming.
In the end it was what saved them from being stuck together in the elevator for a long time.
People there came rather quickly to their rescue.
Both were freed from the elevator sooner rather then later.
When the doors opened, both Tony and the woman ran out.
Once outside, Tony was first to recounted his ordeal inside the elevator to everyone present.
"I was thirsty in there after all that time!" he stammered "But I swear I did not drink a single drop of urine."
Everyone looked at him in stunned silence, so then he said...
"Pee Pee."
"Not a single drop!"

Then he made a zero sign with his thumb and index finger and showed everyone.
The woman, still in shrill mode then screamed.
"My hands dirty!"
"He shook my hand dirty!" and started crying.
Tony of course was embarrassed by this and made yeast.

It was noon when Tony Katdander arrived home and was resolved to go straight to bed.
But Tony didn't have enough curtain to keep the afternoon sun out, so he stayed awake until supper, then fell asleep watching something on the television that his mother was watching.
Something about a foreign old woman talking about the past and how embarrassing it is to talk about it in today's world.

Classic hard times theme.
Complete with English subtitles.
Tony didn't care and went to sleep.

The next night at Tony's employment, he made so much yeast...He was snorkeling in it.
Disgusting.
After work Tony creaked open an old metal door and let himself out of the yeast factory.
His lungs breathed in deeply the fresh crisp -15C morning air with the sun already illuminating the morning sky but still nowhere to be seen.
"That was a good nights work." He thought as he got into his car and made more yeast.
He then turned the engine over and quickly rolled down all the windows.
Even thought was -15C below.

Disgusting.

The Ultra-New Adventures of Detective Tony Katdander Investigator of the Paranormal

~The amazing Tony Katdander~




After he finished watching The Blue Dahlia, Tony took a swig from his flask of something his old man distilled.
His eyes watered and his sinus cleared then his mouth and throat burned.
The first thing he thought was "Cleaner?!"
But he quickly realized the old man had more to lose if he died.
So he stopped drinking it and instead drank from a bottle of something he had distilled himself.
Still that didn't excuse that fact that an hour later, Tony's old man's shine gave him third degree burns when he eventually farted.
But his own swigg brought him back in time and again a cotton mouth.
Back to a case he never solved...the case of the stained dress.
Tony remembered the reports about the stained dress and the compromise that had taken place before all parties, till it was resolved.
It unsettled him that the truth did not come out.
So he remembered it again in his head...

Johnny Peru advanced himself onto Lola LaRue in the back of his 57 Chevy.
They were parked on some dirt road in the middle of the woods somewhere.
Suddenly there was a knock coming from the trunk and then a loud bang.
Lola broke from their kiss and asked...
"Who's in the trunk Johnny?"
Johnny answered...
"Anyone you want in there baby."
Lola didn't understand the question and answered...
"My momma?"
That's when Johnny stained her dress.

"The defence rests" thought Tony.
"Why torture mercy a quick death?!." He said out load.
Then he stood up quickly, farted and burped out his last name.
Walking home he thought about going to a nudist colony but heard from his co-worker El Fonzo that you hear more farting and it's louder because they don't have clothes to muffle the sound.
"Farts buddy and lots of them."
He remembered El Fonzo saying.
"And it stinks more too. You ever have a guy squat next to you naked?"
Inquired El Fonzo.
"No, of course not."
Said Tony Katdander nervously.
"That's because you never visited a nudist colony. But my brother did and he has the soiled under pants to prove it."
Said El Fonzo matter-a-factly.

Tony didn't believe him but didn't want to be proven wrong.

Disgusting.