Heddy's Troubles presents: The Jumentous Basement

Chapter 1
Trouble in the basement

Heddy shuffled across her worn stained carpet to her comfy chair.
Often she wondered, where those bumps under the carpet came from and what was underneath them.
One day she was going to cut one open and find out.
But tonight was TV night she thought as she squeezed her self between the frayed arm rests of her comfy chair.
And then farted.
Of course, nothing was on that she liked, just shows about young people that she couldn't understand.
Why couldn't they make a show about a sick old man she thought? She'd watch that.
Suddenly the phone rang and Heddy's heart pounded so much that the veins in her neck throbbed.
Conditioned to answer the the ring, she picked up the receiver and in a low voice answered "Hello!?"
Fart noises seemed to emanate from the ear piece as she dutifully listened until the last squeak.
The phone went suddenly dead as she yelled into the mouth piece. "...Hello!...Hello!..."
Frustrated, she then farted into her comfy chair and called her care giver to come over right away.
Sleepy but awake, Heddy's care giver knocked at her door at 12:43 AM wondering what all the fuss was. Heddy answered the door and kindly asked that the care giver take her shoes off as she entered.
"Do you smell something off?" Asked Heddy.
"I sure do and it's coming from the basement." Said the care giver.
Of course, Heddy wasn't going to go there...her basement.
"What foul and wretched creatures they may be" She said in her inside voice.
The care giver didn't hear anything while she was looking inside Heddy's fridge.
Later the television was on and Heddy stared at it in an uncaring way.
Meanwhile, her care giver was staring at the basement door.
To distract her, Heddy told of an old war time story that her late husband would tell to distract her.
Her husband Manfred once worked as a pilot for the German air force in 1943. For three months actually.
To save time, they flew over Romania on a route that no one ever flew over.
The Captain her husband Manfred noticed something unusual below after flying for a hour.
A circle of dead forest.
Everyone saw it in the plane and agreed to go back when they got two weeks leave.
They went back in late autumn '43 and managed to get there without any war time problems.
Everyone ignored the spot.
The Allies as well as the Axis.
Once they arrived, they were greeted by an offal smell as well as a litter of dead animals as they ventured in.
Everyone had a scarf in front of their nose and breathed through it.
The farther they went into this dead forest the more that was laid to waste, skeletons of dead animals were littered everywhere.
Soon fungi were no longer seen because it could no longer feed on dead trees..
At the center they found everything sterile and stink free but covered in white ash.
They also found a well, which they uncovered.
Manfred threw a rock down it and found it was empty except for a tiny splash at the end.
Next they threw down a flare and for one thousands of a second, they saw a huge opening down below at the side of the wall.
All agreed to go back and get provisions.
Climbing down the well went very easy.
Once through the cracked hole in the well, everything opened up into a deep cavern and the flash lights lit it up.
The deeper they went in, the narrower and blacker the walls became and the shorter the distance the flash lights lit.
Soon they had to use fares to see ahead of them as they went deeper and deeper in the cave.
After a few hours they knew they were lost.
With the few flares they had left, they started to panic.
What was absorbing all the light?
Then suddenly someone lit up a flare and it barely lit up two feet of space.
"Only my husband made it out that day." Said Heddy with an emotional voice.
"But...But...what happened down there?" Stammered the care giver.
By this time, Heddy was beginning to notice the television again and stopped talking.
"Heddy! What really happened?" Insisted the care giver.
"I don't know because I wasn't paying attention to the last part because I realized he was making it up."
"End of story!" Heddy exclaimed.
The care giver then went back to watching the basement door nervously.

Chapter 2
Heddy remembers.

At about three fifty three am in the mornin'.
Heddy awoke from her TV chair and looked over at her care giver, who was snoring like a man.
The television had an old movie on.
She then stared into space and remembered her dream about Andreas Von Ka Ka and his wife Lady Ka Ka.
Once awake, she dismissed it as disgusting and then thought about what people told her about her mother, who had meet a time traveller...

One day Heddy's mother went a block out of town and went into a antique store.
There she meet a man who was charming as well as good looking.
He talked about the past as if he knew it.
When she quoted the bible, he corrected her with extra words.
Every item in his store had a history that he remembered.
It was like he was actually there.
Heddy's mother continued to date this time traveller, until he decided to show her real proof that he was a time traveller by showing her his past.
So instead of a time traveller from the future, which we would expect, he was a time traveller from the past.
Someone like us that really wants to see the future but from the past/present perspective .
He showed her items from the past, things that technically don't exist because there's no record of them and they looked new.
A turning point item in the mind of the time traveller but not to history in general.
Yet there it was.
When she pointed out the fact that what he had was technically worthless, he grew agitated.
Heddy's mother of course panicked and he of course he couldn't let her leave because of what she knew.
Suddenly she believed him.
Because he was occupying both present/future he technically did not exist, so she killed him.
He died unlike any human being has ever died.
There was no body after his death because he turned into a ghost that stayed behind at the last spot that he lived but shouldn't have.
And that's where ghosts come from.
They're time travellers from the past...
...and the rest as they say is...trivia.

Chapter 3
Heddy sleeps agagain

Heddy went to sleep in the afternoon for a over an hour, like she did when she was much younger.
It was a cold wet day outside and Heddy decided to stay warm in her bed under the covers.
She only got up to make a tea and then went back to warm the bed again.


  


                                     

.

Heddy's Troubles.

Chapter 1 - New Beginnings.

It was late at night when something happened.
Suddenly the lights and the telly went out.
A fuse blew down in the basement.
Heddy farted as she quivered to the fact that she had to venture down to the basement to fix the fuse.
With a flash light in hand, Heddy climbed down the basement stairs heavily and with effort. The railing made sense to her in her advanced age, unlike in her youth.
Reaching the bottom stair she breathed a sigh of relief then farted as the flash light darted all over.
Beer bottles clinked together in the farthest corners of the darkest basement, this scared Heddy but she moved slowly with a flash light in her hand.
She knew people were living in her basement, people she didn't see or only saw when they were running from her house in the backyard in the day time.
It terrified her but she had to get something done in the basement so that life could go on as usual upstairs.
"I just need to flick a switch." She said out loud.
Noise of scampering happened at either side of her in the darkest parts of the basement as she walked towards the fuse box.
When she saw the fuse box dimly lit at first, then getting brighter and more in focus, she then farted again.
Heddy threw the switch and the lights and telly went on upstairs.
As she looked up at the slightly opened basement door, she noticed it was now lit from behind.
This relaxed her and so she farted again.
As she turned around to make her way to the stairs, a voice shouted out.
"Really!? You're just gonna fart and get the heck out of here!?" said one of the strangers living in the basement.
Heddy froze as she listened and let out a small pitchy fart.
Suddenly there was a lot of movement in the dark reaches of the dank basement and whispering voices.
Heddy then panicked and ran as best as she could, up the stairs closing the door behind her and locking it.
The sound of many feet running after her up the stairs, then a loud banging of the door followed.
Heedy then made it out to her living room and cried as she farted.
"Of all people why me!?" She thought out load.
So Heddy went to bed upstairs and farted.

Chapter 2 - The Ministers Wife.

Heddys thumb went numb just as she was starting to eat her beef barley soup with the church ministers wife.
The soup flew everywhere as she lost control of the spoon..
"Holy crap!" Said Heddy out load as she farted in excitement.
"My problems get the best of me." She said as an excuse and then relaxed and farted again.
The church ministers wife who had ordered the baked beans then smiled and slowly pushed the bowl away from herself.
Heddy excused herself from the table and made her way to the ladies room to powder her nose.
She did anything but and walked straight into a stall.
Back at the table, the ministers wife ordered desert.
An apple pie with a pecan crumble.
Heddy eventually returned, dishevelled and sweat through.
It was if all her pores had opened.
"Can we get the dessert to go?" She inquired, then farted once again.

Chapter 3 - How very uncomfortable for Heddy.

Back at home Heddy quietly entered her dwelling, making sure not to make a sound.
Disturbing the people in her basement was the last thing on her mind, so she made it to her second floor bedroom without drawing unwanted attention.
But she farted when she bent over to pick up a snot rag from the floor and then all hell broke loose down stairs.
The steel basement door that she had installed, suddenly sounded like it was being scratched with metal and that made her nervous fart...
Finally settling down to sleep as the sun came up and the noise in the basement stopped, Heddy said her prayers, then got out of bed to see if anyone was running away from her house.
Someone was and he only had his pants on.
No shirt, shoes or socks, just pants and long hair.
"Hippies in my basement?" Said Heddy with a bit of disappointment and then went back to bed.

The New Adventures of Detective Tony Katdander...In the Case of the Yeast Stockings and the Befouled Muffler.

~Tony Katdander~
esq.



It was on his day off that Tony found himself in a very tense situation.
The elevator he was riding in was also occupied by a good looking older woman who totally ignored him as they went up.
Suddenly the elevator stopped between floors.
The third and fourth to be exact.
At first there was this uncomfortable feet shuffling and polite laughter.
Then Tony suddenly thought quick and said...

"How heavy does a polar bear have to be to swim in icy cold water?"
"What?" she said.
"How heavy?...does a polar bear have to be to swim in icy cold water?"
"I don't know?" she answered.
He then suddenly swung towards her, grabbed her hand and said...
"Enough to break the ice. Hi! I'm Tony Katdander." then shook it.

She started screaming.
In the end it was what saved them from being stuck together in the elevator for a long time.
People there came rather quickly to their rescue.
Both were freed from the elevator sooner rather then later.
When the doors opened, both Tony and the woman ran out.
Once outside, Tony was first to recounted his ordeal inside the elevator to everyone present.
"I was thirsty in there after all that time!" he stammered "But I swear I did not drink a single drop of urine."
Everyone looked at him in stunned silence, so then he said...
"Pee Pee."
"Not a single drop!"

Then he made a zero sign with his thumb and index finger and showed everyone.
The woman, still in shrill mode then screamed.
"My hands dirty!"
"He shook my hand dirty!" and started crying.
Tony of course was embarrassed by this and made yeast.

It was noon when Tony Katdander arrived home and was resolved to go straight to bed.
But Tony didn't have enough curtain to keep the afternoon sun out, so he stayed awake until supper, then fell asleep watching something on the television that his mother was watching.
Something about a foreign old woman talking about the past and how embarrassing it is to talk about it in today's world.

Classic hard times theme.
Complete with English subtitles.
Tony didn't care and went to sleep.

The next night at Tony's employment, he made so much yeast...He was snorkeling in it.
Disgusting.
After work Tony creaked open an old metal door and let himself out of the yeast factory.
His lungs breathed in deeply the fresh crisp -15C morning air with the sun already illuminating the morning sky but still nowhere to be seen.
"That was a good nights work." He thought as he got into his car and made more yeast.
He then turned the engine over and quickly rolled down all the windows.
Even thought was -15C below.

Disgusting.

The Ultra-New Adventures of Detective Tony Katdander Investigator of the Paranormal

~The amazing Tony Katdander~




After he finished watching The Blue Dahlia, Tony took a swig from his flask of something his old man distilled.
His eyes watered and his sinus cleared then his mouth and throat burned.
The first thing he thought was "Cleaner?!"
But he quickly realized the old man had more to lose if he died.
So he stopped drinking it and instead drank from a bottle of something he had distilled himself.
Still that didn't excuse that fact that an hour later, Tony's old man's shine gave him third degree burns when he eventually farted.
But his own swigg brought him back in time and again a cotton mouth.
Back to a case he never solved...the case of the stained dress.
Tony remembered the reports about the stained dress and the compromise that had taken place before all parties, till it was resolved.
It unsettled him that the truth did not come out.
So he remembered it again in his head...

Johnny Peru advanced himself onto Lola LaRue in the back of his 57 Chevy.
They were parked on some dirt road in the middle of the woods somewhere.
Suddenly there was a knock coming from the trunk and then a loud bang.
Lola broke from their kiss and asked...
"Who's in the trunk Johnny?"
Johnny answered...
"Anyone you want in there baby."
Lola didn't understand the question and answered...
"My momma?"
That's when Johnny stained her dress.

"The defence rests" thought Tony.
"Why torture mercy a quick death?!." He said out load.
Then he stood up quickly, farted and burped out his last name.
Walking home he thought about going to a nudist colony but heard from his co-worker El Fonzo that you hear more farting and it's louder because they don't have clothes to muffle the sound.
"Farts buddy and lots of them."
He remembered El Fonzo saying.
"And it stinks more too. You ever have a guy squat next to you naked?"
Inquired El Fonzo.
"No, of course not."
Said Tony Katdander nervously.
"That's because you never visited a nudist colony. But my brother did and he has the soiled under pants to prove it."
Said El Fonzo matter-a-factly.

Tony didn't believe him but didn't want to be proven wrong.

Disgusting.

Open message from TONY KATDANDER..."The first casualty of stupidity is the truth...."

"The first casualty of stupidity is the truth but my fists of reality can correct that."
"I'm just sayin'..."



His deluxe self the...
~Tony Katdander~

The New Adventures of Detective Tony Katdander.

~The Incredible Tony Katdander~




Tony Katdander looked dully at the the little square of grey sky behind his cell window.
Had his parents divorced when he was a young man he would be ahead today he thought.
He came to regard this tiny window as something of an entity, something possessing some life.
It had the unique talent of being the only thing in his cell that ever changed.
It was a tiny, slow moving picture in a world that was otherwise fixed and motionless.
And he talked to it.
In a slow low, uncomplaining monotone that was absence of expression.
For fifteen years he had been talking to various objects in his cell, reasoning with them about his cankering grievance against life.
Not that it was a grievance in the ordinary sense of the word because there was not a scrap of resentment in the soul of Tony Katdander .
Only a dim perplexity, a puzzlement that refused to submit to elucidation no matter how earnestly he tried to think it out.
All he asked of life was an explanation, a reason for the rather unfair thing life had done to him.
And he could never quite get down to the that explanation.
It eluded him persistently.
A thousand times he tried but could not come up with any real reason.
"The trouble is," he admitted to the grey square, "I've been thinking to much of myself lately."

Tony suddenly woke up in a sweat, he had the same recurring nightmare the night before. His heart raced quickly as he took in deep breathes.
Quickly he called his parents collect.
That didn't sit well with Tony's Farter.
"Are you dying?" picking up he answered.
"Do you always answer like that when you get a call?" said Tony.
"Who else do you think I know that would call me up at three in the morning?"

-An uncomfortable pause of silence-

"That's right! No one, so it has to be you." said the old man.

This made Tony mad, so he said...
"Get me mother!" demanded Tony.
Then farted into the phone.

When he went to listen, he suddenly felt disgusted around his mouth and nostrils.
There was no rebuttal or pause because the old woman grabbed the phone from the old man when she heard the insult and answered swiftly.
"WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?!!" she screamed into the receiver.
"I had this recurring dream again ma. Should I ask my wife about it?" asked Tony.
She calmed down to take in his request and answered "Yes, I'll help you Tony." then hung up.
It was two am when Tony returned home to his parents house.
First he unloaded the gifts from his wife and kids to himself and his parents.
Then he went back for the beer.
He decided to stayed outside to have one.
The night was clear and the moon was bright.
And Jupiter was the shiniest star.

Tony threw his empty beer bottle away into the bushes.

An animal yelped then scattered.

He then staggered to his licensed address and proceed to kick his parents door in.

Tony took in a deep breath as he entered, then felt around in the dark for something soft to sleep on.

Morning came early as it always does and that left Tony unprepared.
Tony awoke remembering that even in failure, there is perfection.
Tony picked and cleared his eye snot, then stretched his arms and back.

To be continued...

The New Adventures of Tony Katdander

~The real Tony Katdander.~




It was Sunday.
And Tony struggled as he fought his gorgonization.
He had to go the the bathroom bad and the police commissioner driving the car couldn't understand him, until Tony pointed at a sign that said open house.
The commish stopped the car and Tony got out walking quickly to the open door on the porch, took a leaflet about the house for sale, then crammed it in his trouser pocket.
Inside he enquired about a bathroom on the lower level and walked towards it.
He left he door slightly open as he relived himself until he openly cried.
Wow!
The commish suddenly realizing that things were taking to long, left the car and entered the house with his gun drawn.
Panic ensued from the owners of the house, to the realter and the other people inspecting the house.
Hearing the screams, Tony over reacted, he wiped, got up but didn't flush.
He then put on the shower and squeezed through the bathroom window to safety.
Meanwhile the commish was barking out "Where is the nearest bathroom?"
No one said anything, everyone stood in stoned silence, hoping to be invisible.
Running water came from behind a door down the hall and he kicked open.
The commish ordered the woman of the house to go into the bathroom and check out what was happening.
She screamed when she looked into the toilet and cried when she pulled the shower curtain back.
The commish then stepped in, looked at the open window and ran to the front door.
Opening it only to witness his police car race off with Tony Katdander driving.

48 hours earlier...

Tony felt happy for the first time in a long time.
He was relaxed and comfortable.
The two elements a man needs.
His fighting days seemed behind him.
"Clear sailing from here." He thought.
But it was not to last, if the police commissioner had any say in it.

18 hours later...

Tony was minding his own business when a car screechted to a halt in front of him.

It was the police commissioner and he yelled at Tony to get in.

Once inside Tony suddenly felt the gorganization take affect.

And he had to go to the bathroom.

Half an hour earlier...

Tony compromised himself with his lighter.

Half an hour later...

Tony struggled as he fought his gorgonization but still he was normal.

That's when the police commish skidded in front of Tony and ordered him to get in.

Gorganization started soon after that.

Morality...the last bastion of a coward.

~The Great Tony Katdander~









Chapter 1
Tony Katdander and the Yeast Whars

E. Bronanus was quietly watching a film on the public television station, when there was a sudden loud knock on the front door.
He quickly looked at the door.
Suddenly his front door didn't look so safe by the sound of "that" knock.
He realized all that was separating him from the outside world was a pretty flimsy piece of wood.
That suddenly made him very nervous.
So he got up slowly, making sure not to make a sound.
And slowly twisted himself in the opposite direction of "that" knock.
He made a stupid face every time the floor creaked or the front door knocked.
Half way through the house and half way to freedom, he suddenly heard a knock coming from the back door.
His escape route if you will.
Sweat and tears oozed ubiquitously.
Snot, streamed from his nose.
The game was over!?
Or was it?
Now both doors were knocking rather aggressively...
Did I mention that E. Bronanus was gorgonized.

meanwhile...

Tony Katdander put his pants on both legs at a time like his mother.
It was 11:37 PM when he left his parents house to go and start his shift at the yeast factory.
The night was damp enough for him to put his car wipers on, even though it wasn't raining.
His breath fogged the wind shield from inside as he drove, so he lowered all his windows and wiped the glass in front of him with a dried snot rag.
Eventually he could see the road in front of him but through a smeared view.
Tonight felt different for Tony, it had been a week since he broke up with the widow Lady Thurnsbouegh and yet, he still felt empty inside.
Add to that, the strength in his pelvic region was starting to weaken and stink.
And he went to the bathroom a lot more.
His brakes squealed as he applied them and came to a full stop.
He had arrived at his second home.
The Yeast Factory...
Once inside, he was told to report to the company doctor.
After carefully examining Tony, he told him to put his underpants, shirt and pants back on.
And said that he needed a urine, semen and stool sample because of his age and before he went to work.
Tony looked at his watch and asked if he could just leave his underpants instead because he was pressed for time.
The doctor declined.

Chapter 2
A sour yeast cheese.

In the company locker room, Tony cleaned himself with wet naps after the doctor visit and dried himself with a sour smelling wash cloth that he found tucked away at his parent down stairs washroom.
Smiling he ran down his companies hall ways, to get to work on time.
'Whew' thought Tony as he ran 'but that was cutting it close' 'I should of hurried at the doctors office'
His smile faded as he thought about this and slowly jogged to his work station.
He put on his company issued pyjamas on and went to work.
Sleeping at his desk and making yeast in his sleep.
Disgusting.
One night, he dreamt that he was shaken awake by a fellow co-worker and asked why he was sleeping on the job?
He responded "Last night I dreamt that I was awake..."
"So?" responded the co-worker.
"...and I can prove it". Said Tony Katdander.
Then he fell asleep again.

Chapter 3
Yeast farts.

Tony was awakened to the sour smell of yeast.
It disgusted him too no end.
Tony spit in his right hand and wiped his face with it.
He then dried it with a used rag towel he found at a thrift store for 25 cents.
Fackle.
Tony then reflected about the past and how it had won.
He felt cheated by life.
His moment of promise wasn't coming anytime soon.
And the debts in his life that he wanted to even, were piling up.
Something had to be done!
So he decided to become a Mexican wrestler.
Then he didn't.

Chapter 4
The Butler does it...
in his pants!

It was about five in the morning when E. Bronanus was confronted in his own living space.
There was aggressive knocking on the front door and the back, as well as on the the very walls of his cheaply sided rented house.
He did what any coward would do and hid.
After 20 minutes the banging finally stopped.
He took a deep breath at his secret hiding place and wished the worst over.
But it wasn't, shear terror was to commence.
Soon the doors and the windows were suddenly smashed open and the whole house began creaking with lots of people.

Chapter 5
A limerick...

...there was a pious young priest.
Who lived solely on eating his yeast.
"For ," he said "it is plain, that we shall all rise again."
And ate at it like it was FEECE.


Chapter 6
E. Bronanus and the ghosts of former house guests.

After sleeping through the night, E. Bronanus emerged from his hiding place in the morning.
His stomach growled then gass moved throughout his intestines and he had to pee.
Nothing had been smashed or broken open and nothing was disturbed.
He crowned for a second, then gophered it the rest of the morning.
Disgusting!
A face flashed in his head for a nanosecond of a man that he had never seen before nor met, then he called out..."TONY?!!"



Chapter 7

Tony visits his extended family.

After an hour and a half of driving, Tony finally arrived at his extended families home.
His wife and three kids.
He paid the rent for them and the bills there but lived with his parents.
He only visited his wife when her sister took the kids and only saw his children when they were sick and family was around.
Tony thought how lucky he was and farted some yeast in his pants.
Disgusting.

Chapter 8

E. Bronanus finds a clue that links Tony Katdander to him.

Tony happened to be watching an old BBC show on VHS.
When the name E.Bronanus was mentioned.
This puzzled him at first but then he remembered being over at some guys house in the late seventies and he had to use the washroom.

"Now that takes me back and he didn't have any toilet paper." Tony said out loud.

He also remembered how embarrassed he was at that moment and that he used a wash cloth lying near the toilet.

After using it, he decided to take it home to be washed then return it because he didn't want to hide it in the guys washroom to be eventually found.

The first person to see Tony try to steal the wash cloth as he was leaving his residence was E. Bronanus because it was sticking out of Tony's coat pocket.

He grabbed it from Tony because it wasn't his, it was his neighbours wife who lent it to him.

Eventually he returned it to his neighbour without checking it.

She did and then wrote to a newspaper advice column asking what to do.

"Be offended."

The advice column answered.

Chapter 9

Disclaimer.

Open truth.

I don't know how to end this.

I forget where I was going.

All I know is that it all works out and makes sense in the end.

To get "Gorgonized"

A friend just called and said that "He" could "Gorgonize" me.
Why the last time I heard the word "Gorgonize" was in a Hammer film called "Gorgo"
I enquired about the strain and was told it was Medusa.
Or total Gorgonization.



Mario Brava - Blood and Black Lace.

Unpublished Post

Two women meet for lunch one afternoon at the corner of 5th and Main. The blonde one says to the other, "Hey Louise! I saw your husband earlier at the florist, buying you a beautiful bouquet of flowers!"
Her friend says, "Oh Fuck! Now he´s gonna want me to spend the next couple of days on my back, with my legs stretched up in the air."
Then the blonde says, "Why don't you just use a vase?"